Hi all! Welcome to my blog. I really should have written here during my whole separation journey but, ya know, divorcing is difficult. Extremely difficult. So much so that you don’t really want to talk about it a lot.
But I decided since I’m 26 days* from being able to file for divorce I decided I might just start talking about it. So I went to a Divorce Support Group.
And, boy, were these people nutso. I mean, I’m going to give it one more chance, but they are nutso. Let me introduce them.
(Not their actual names):
- Rachel: She hosted, has a beautiful house. Early 60-ish, moved from another state because she had an affair with her husband’s friend and it didn’t work out. She divorced 2 years ago and is really lonely because everyone left her. I liked her the best. She was very nice. “God doesn’t judge” kind of person.
- Peter: early to mid-60s, was married for 40 years, separated, and a complete and utter homophobe. Used to do media at his church til he was kicked out for divorcing (his wife left him).
- Amanda: early to mid-50s, was married once before and separated from her second husband. First husband she has kids and a good relationship with. Her second husband she married only 3 weeks after meeting him. He was a former pastor with a criminal record who abused her and tried to kill her. She’s been separated for two months. Has a lesbian sister and doesn’t like church but still considers herself a strong Christian.
- Margaret: mid-60s. Divorced 2 years. Very self-absorbed and kept talking about herself. Also a homophobe.
- Katie: late 50s/early 60s, believes Bible is the Word of God.
- Me: early 40s, married for 17 years, separated for 7 but only legally separated (in separate residences for 11 months), wonders how I can be around a bunch of homophobes.
Why do I call them homophobes? Well, here’s how the conversation went. Every single one of the members were lonely and looking for friends. There is an event group on Facebook and Peter mentioned that there is a singles night but that it’s at a gay club and said, “I don’t want to be around those homosexuals and drag queens.” Then Margaret chimes in, heartily, “Me neither!” with a look of disgust.
Then Peter and Amanda start talking about how the church kicked them out for divorcing and then the two others chimed in about how they were Christians, and here I’m wondering what this has to do with Divorce.
And since I felt so taken aback. All these people needed to divorce. I trust that they made the best decision for them. I don’t judge them for that. And with Peter and Amanda I genuinely feel sympathy for them that the church kicked them out and judged them for that, because I’ve had similiar issues with church.
But a part of me wanted to ask them, “If you are going to be so against gays because of the Bible then how are you not against divorce?” which is also condemned in the Bible.
The thing is, it’s homophobia, pure and simple. Because they are scared because there are people different from them.
I didn’t tell them I was a former evangelical and am now an atheist. I did tell them that there are some really great people in the gay community.
The response was, “Well, that’s just not what I’m used to.”
And I wanted to say, but didn’t, “Oh c’mon, grow up. You’re 60 for Christ’s sake.”
Anyway, not sure if I’m going back. Despite the homophobia and self-absorption I genuinely had sympathy for their stories. I wonder what it might be like if other people join the group.
Why 26 days til I can file for divorce? In the State of North Carolina, you have to be living in separate residences for one year before you can file for divorce. I was finally in the position financially to leave my husband last May.